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Recently I’ve been writing more about my history, my life-long romance, we might say, with leaving myself and going somewhere else.

I realize that may sound like crazy California-speak. What do I mean, “I leave myself”? Where do I go?  Am I referring to one of those “floating up above my body” experiences?

Not exactly. I mean something more subtle, something that is hard to put in words.

I’ll tell you how I know it. I know it when I go out of my way to say something that will I think will please the person I’m with, instead of saying what’s true for me. I think what Joe just said is very boring, yet I nod empathetically and say, “hmmm, tell me more.”

I know it when I stop feeling able to share what I want, and instead become a kind of sliding, slippery goo that flows with whatever others want. I’ll be asking you whether you want to go for a walk or meet for tea, when I in fact would like to have tea with you, at 10am, in my neighborhood, this Sunday.

We all leave ourselves in different ways, in different situations. Take a moment and consider: when is it difficult for you to stay with yourself?

One clue most of us get that we’re leaving ourselves is the urge to reach outside ourselves for something. Reaching for another person’s attention or agreement. Reaching for new shoes. Reaching for a grande decaf sugar-free vanilla latte. Reaching for the blackberry.

Next time you feel that urge to reach outside of yourself, see what happens if you press the pause button, come back to yourself, and simply get present.

What does it mean to come back to yourself and get present? It is so simple that in our culture we often overlook it. We assume something so basic couldn’t have much power.

Simply notice where you are at, what’s happening in the universe called you. What’s the current weather? What’s happening on the landscape?

Here are three different ways to tune into that:

  1. Become aware of your body. Spend a few moments breathing, feeling your breath, and scanning your awareness across your body. Simply notice what’s happening there – notice any areas of tension or pain, notice which areas feel loose and spacious, notice whatever sensations are happening.  Do this for a few minutes until you refreshed, reconnected to the present moment and to yourself.
  2. Become aware of your feelings. Pause. Breathe, and check in with what’s happening emotionally. What are you feeling? You may be very surprised about what you find – upset about something that happened this morning, anxiety about something coming up. You don’t have to get caught up in any drama around those feelings, or solve the “problems” they may be about, but for your own wellbeing, you do need to give them a space to be. Bring compassion and non-judgmental awareness as your response.
  3. Write. Take out a pen and jot down an inventory of what’s present for you. This can be a stream-of-consciousness, disorganized, zig-zagging list. This is not beautiful writing, not even prose. This is just for you. For example, it might sound like this:

Resentful about having to go to three a clock meeting. Excited about trip. Miss Richard. Feeling self-conscious about body but optimistic about personal training. Really excited about positive response to my project pitch. Overwhelmed by feelings about visit back to hometown. Happy to be up and writing this. Grateful to here.

You might write a page or two or just a few lines. Write until you feel like you’ve connected with what’s important and what’s present for you in the moment. Notice how your state of being changes, even during the writing.

You don’t have to wait till you feel disconnected to do these practices. You can make a routine of doing them, of having short “check-ins” with yourself.

Why Does It Matter?

I think that’s a really good question. What happens when we don’t slow down and connect with ourselves? A lot of pain. We miss out on our own inner wisdom. We don’t notice the hurts and frustrations and disappointments that need our attention and healing. We don’t get to feel the hopes and dreams underneath those hurts – and those hopes and dreams are actually the roadmap from which we are meant to design our lives.

We get really, really lonely. We are actually lonely for ourselves. We can’t give to others, because, paradoxically, by going “over there” toward them, we’ve left an emptiness in our own chair – leaving the person with whom we are interacting without a solid, separate, whole person to connect with.

See the costs?

This week, I invite you take these three steps

  1. Start a practice of noticing. When do you leave yourself? What does it feel like for you? What are the symptoms.
  2. Experiment with the three tools here to reconnect to yourself in those moments: becoming aware of your body, becoming aware of your breath, and writing an inventory. See what impact that has.
  3. See where you get resistant to slowing down and reconnecting with yourself, and get curious about the source of that resistance.

Let me know what you learn.

Love,

Tara

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Hi there,

I’m so happy to welcome new visitors and readers who read yesterday’s guest post at Kind Over Matter.

I love the spirit, community, and vision of Kind Over Matter. I love the idea that through the work I do I just might be able to support creative young women (which much of the Kind Over Matter community is) to create more beauty in the world and experience the inexplicable happiness that comes from creating.

For my friends that have been her for a while, please visit my post over there. I hope you’ll reframe your thinking from growth to blossoming. More about that at the post. But think about, really, what would happen if you put less focus on “growth” and more on “blossoming”?

Tomorrow I’m getting on a plane to NYC to be with friends. Yes, I did just get home from Hawaii and Boulder on Friday. This weekend I took walks and caught up on Oprah and saw the beloved people in my life and learned that if you get Lacinto Kale you can eat it raw as salad greens. It’s quite tasty with olive oil, salt and pepper, and if you have the time and energy, with diced shallots and ricotta salata too.

By all of that I mean to say, travelling is lovely but if we design our lives with a sense of possibility, with a leaning toward who we really are, I think can be that an average day at home can be better, sweeter, more nourishing than a getaway in an exotic land.

Love,

Tara


Over a year ago, I wrote a post called Loving Reality. That was in the days of 38 or so mighty readers. This morning I was reminded of this piece because it was republished in Soulful Living. I remembered how much I love this piece, and how important I think this idea is. So I’m sharing it with all of you again here.

Ideas show up when I’m writing and often they are as new to me as they are to you when you read them. This piece was that way for me. It provoked my thinking. It introduced the new idea of Loving Reality into my life.

It speaks to where I am right now. I wrote last week about how I’m more and more leaning into the present. I’m actually savoring quiet. I’m choosing to meditate, because I am actually enjoying it. Whoa. I’m taking time to enjoy things, to be in the moment without any ambition or urgency about getting to the next task.

Just like the weatherman will sometimes say, “we haven’t had a storm like this in 15 years” I’m reporting, “I haven’t had a calm like this in 15 years.” Truly.

Calm is only possible when we make peace with reality. And if we can love it, trust it – find a way in the midst of pain and tragedy and oil spills — if we can, paradoxically, love reality– then life opens up its secrets to us. We open ourselves to receive its everflowing gifts.

Loving Reality

In our culture, when we talk about love, we typically talk about loving another person: I love Sonia. I love my grandfather. I love Louie.

What do we mean by that?

When we love others, we treat them with compassion, kindness, and patience.

We perceive their gifts and beauties and power. We champion and affirm what is best in them.

We support and nurture and care for them.

We forgive them, and we do so regularly.

We give up the false idea that there is wrong with the people in our lives, and liberate them to be exactly as they are.

When we love ourselves, we do the same.

We treat ourselves with compassion, kindness, and patience.

We perceive the gifts and beauties and power in ourselves.

We support and nurture and care for ourselves.

We forgive ourselves, and we do so regularly.

We give up the false idea that there is something wrong with the truth of ourselves, and we liberate ourselves to be exactly as we are.

Less frequently in our culture, we speak of loving a particular thing, activity, or creative expression in the world.

When we speak of that, we usually mean that we deeply enjoy it, we draw great pleasure from it.

As a result, we want to experience it, to be near it.

We perceive its gifts, beauties, and power.

We have a mysterious and inexplicable special connection to that thing.

Let’s take everything we know about what it means to love a person, an activity, thing in the world, and ask ourselves, what would it mean then, to love reality itself? To love the way things are, they way they happen, the way they will happen?

To love reality itself. That would mean….

Treating reality with compassion, kindness and patience.

Perceiving the gifts, beauties and powers of reality and championing and affirming them.

Somehow supporting, nuturing and caring for reality.

Forgiving reality and forgiving it regularly.

Giving up the false idea that there is something wrong with reality, and liberating it to be exactly as it is.

Deeply enjoying reality, and as a result, wanting to experience reality, to be near it.

Possessing a mysterious and inexplicable special connection to reality itself.

For this lifetime, reality is our home. You can experience your home as a small tent on a violent battlefield, or you can experience your home as a soft sun-streamed ocean full of myriad delights. You can experience your home as rocky and dangerous shore where at every moment sharp cliffs, strong waves, or hungry predators threaten your life. You can experience your home as a playground, created for your delight. You can experience your home as a warm embrace, knowing that you are carried by the universe as you were carried by a loved on in the first few days of life.

Most of us live our lives trying to shield ourselves from the dangerous parts of reality, working to game the system, control the outcomes. We have all kinds of expectations about how reality should be. We believe that we have to struggle to get what we want and fight to prevent what we hope to avoid. We live in a rather adversarial, fearful relationship to reality. You could say that underneath it all, the real sources of stress in our lives are our underlying beliefs about reality itself.

What if we lived in a entirely different kind of relationship to reality? A relationship without that sense of needing to control, without fear? What if were able, somehow, to lean into reality, to trust it fully? What about taking a stance of curiosity to reality- an interest in following it, studying it, to see how it unfolds? What about loving reality?

An essential part of living a juicier, more fulfilling lives in relating to reality in this more open, pliant, trusting way, because reality is our guide on the journey. If we are open and willing, reality will provide the perfect curriculum for us to grow, and create a life of greater joy. It will supply all the sustenance and aid needed to get us through each step on the journey.

You know that person in your community that you’ve always been aware of but never gotten to know? At least a dozen people you know know them, and like them. You hear their name all the time. But something in you just feels kind of apathetic, uninterested, in getting to know this person. You kinda feel like, “yeah, I’ll stay over here on this side of the room, and you stay over there.” Just no click.

For about fifteen years, as I hung out in personal growth circles – in the reading, the thinking, the occasional workshop, the practices – and that was my relationship to the concept of “living the in the present.” Everyone was talking about it. It came up all the time. But I wasn’t drawn to it. I was drawn to concepts like transformation, love, freedom, joy. The plain old present moment? Blah.

About a year ago, I started writing about the present moment. I befriended the concept. I began to see how I was limited by my brain’s compulsion to be running all over the place, taking me into the future and the past and nine hundred random hypotheticals all the time. I got the value of it. Kind of.

Our journeys of personal growth unfold with their own rhythm and timeline, and what’s happening in mine now is a calling to go deeper into mindfullness, meditation, into familiarity with the present moment. What seemed boring now seems rich. What seemed icky now has a magnetic pull. I’m seeing in a whole new way what the simplicity of reality in the present moment offers us, and how it is a key to so much. I’ll be writing about this much more.

What is evolving naturally in your journey right now? What are you feeling called to? What’s shifting?

I want to direct your attention to two related guests posts, which I’m behind on sharing with you. (There is so much pressure in the blogging world to do everything immediately, and I’m not always able to keep up!)

Anyway, on this topic, of being with what is, please see my recent guest post Leaving Ourselves at the beautiful blog Embody Grace. Gina is a fabulous writer and her blog is quite a resource. If you know that you reach for something – TV, email, twitter, food, shopping, etc – to avoid what’s happening in the present moment, this post is for you.

Yesterday, I had a guest post at 6 aliens, Ben Lumley’s personal growth blog. Ben is a remarkable guy with a tremendous passion for personal growth, and I’ve been totally delighted to get to know him. The post is about a phenomenon that most certainly is getting in your way in your life, from time to time or all the time. I call the phenomenon The Ego Detour, and you’ll want to read about it and get some tools for addressing it’s nasty effects.

By the way, I am home from paradise (thanks everyone who has been asking)! I’m actually taking off for trip #2 today, heading out to Boulder, Colorado for a couple days accompanying the husband on a business trip, and then to NYC, to frolic around with dear friends, soak up art (I LOVE ART!!) and generally bask in the overwhelming glory that is New York City.

That’s the scoop.

Sending you all wishes for a day in which you are relentlessly kind to yourself. Please?

Love,

Tara

A couple of years ago I found myself asking, again and again, “Is this all there is?” The question popped up in quiet moments, in the spaces in between to do lists and tasks.

This question is a cliche, but more importantly, I’ve learned, its a sacred door opening. It shows up when something inside of us knows the path we’re on isn’t quite the right one. It’s the beginning of change. It’s the invitation to growth.

I’m writing about the question at Huffington Post, where I’ve just become a regular blogger. Yipee! This is an exciting milestone for me. I always love it when readers like you come and read my work over at other sites, but I’d particularly like to ask for your support in this case. Commenting, tweeting, facebook sharing the Huffington Post article will help it and me get more exposure at the site.

I’m still on the beach in paradise, and when I close my eyes, I often see the image of a large sea turtle I watched a few days ago…floating in a clear sea, light, turquoise blue. There he (or she) was, bobbing, paddling, close to the surface, every few sections stretching an open mouth up to the air. A huge gorgeous brown and green shell. I was the privileged observer.

The world is so big and I am so small, but I am part of it. Sometimes, in a human crowd, in the midst of a city, at a party, at the office, its hard to feel like we belong. But standing on the sand, part of this thing that also includes tress and sea and sky, its impossible to not feel full my fundamental belonging. Our fundamental belonging here.

Love,

Tara

You-Shaped Hole

I’m writing from a sunny, beautiful, paradise place where I’m so thrilled to be spending a week.

It’s fascinating to me that it actually is easier for me to slow down and be present in this environment. I feel it when I have the impulse to leave myself, or leave the moment, and I have more strength to stop it, to just return to my breath, to myself, to the simplicity and truth of the moment.

I’ve had a few guest posts in the last week or two that I want to share with you. I was delighted to be at Robin’s wonderful blog, Naked in Eden, last week, sharing a piece that goes to the heart of everything I believe. I hope you’ll join me over there and read about the You-Shaped Hole.

And writing from paradise, here’s what I offer to you: whatever is true for you right now, look at it. Feel it. Breathe into it like you breathe into a stretch. Face it fully. Give it center stage for a moment. Maybe even name it. Get to know it.

Watch how that changes the emotion, sensation, worry, fear, thought, stress, hope, question…whatever it is…how it can’t remain exactly the same. How your awareness has shifted it. How being in the present is actually what moves things forward in time. How being with what is is what creates change.

That’s what I’m learning, sitting here, looking at the sea.

Love,

Tara

Good morning lovelies,

Here’s the thing. Life is problem-full. In fact, it is problem-generating.

Here’s the recipe

  1. Your fears, expectations, desires, attachments, wounds, hopes, longings
  2. Other people’s fears, expectations, desires, attachments, wounds, hopes, longings
  3. The limitations of the physical world, limitations on things like space, time, lifespan, money, land, oil, and cookies in the cookie jar at home.

So the result? The kinds of circumstances we human beings experience as problems.

And then there is the high of fixing the problems. Heck, some of us even get a high from the mere pursuit of a solution.

But problems are only one-dimension of life. We can get stuck in that dimension. And that’s why I wrote about leaving problem-mode, in this post, at Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life.

Please come visit and share your wisdom in the comments.

Sending lots of love, and wishing you a most revolutionary day.

Hugs,

Tara